I’m a klutz. There’s no doubt about it. From a young age, I have been a klutz. 

Cases in point:  You know how they say that once you learn how to ride a bike you never forget?  Well, I did.  My Dad had to teach me every year how to ride a bike. And, at the tender age of 42, I still cannot ride and change gears at the same time.

When I was 6 years old, I was playing with my Dad’s toupee and twirling it in my fingers, I dropped it right in the toilet.

When I was eight, I was at sleep over camp, and I was pretty much just walking on the gravel road and I took a flyer and scraped up my entire face.  That scab was attractive, let me tell you.  I was pretty cool, that’s for sure, with my war wounds and all.

When I was 12, I was running up the stairs, and well, I fell UP the stairs, tearing all the ligaments in my foot.  I mean who does that?

When I was 14, my family was skiing in Vermont.  I mean I don’t like to ski at the best of times, as in ever…but they made me go anyways.  First, I got off the chair lift and lost control and ski’d into the forest.  Next time around, the ramp looked really icy and I refused to get off completely, going all the way around.  Finally, the next day, I was really tearing up that hill, or so I thought, until I ski’d RIGHT OVER someone who had fallen down, elegantly doing a quadruple lutz and nearly breaking my leg.  (Upside to that story, the ski patrol was pretty hot). 

As a matter of routine, I break drinking glasses, plates, eyeglasses.  Thank goodness I’ve never broken a kid.  However, I have broken:  a washer/dryer, and several fridge drawers (by overloading them).

In addition, I have dropped on the floor:  2 blenders, 4 coffee maker glass carafes, 2 entire coffee makers and a food processor.

As well, I have completely jammed up my vacuum cleaner at least 3 times, and have had at least 4 stupid car accidents which include wrapping my car around a pole, getting my minivan stuck between two buildings (where the space was obviously too narrow), and most famously, rear ending a garbage truck across the street from my house.

I have lost/misplaced almost everything I have ever owned at least once, including leaving my wallet in a store, my purse in movie theatres, 100s of scarves, gloves, towels, hats, etc.   Just as above, thank goodness I’ve never lost a kid.  Although, I did try to a few times.  But for once, I was unsuccessful.

Last summer, I was walking in front of my house and I tripped over the top of my flip flop and scraped up the front and back of my legs, and tore up my foot UNDER the big toe.  How do you even do that?  As well, when I was walking at work, my high heel caught in the cuff of my dress pants and I took a flyer in the middle of the office.  I have also swan dived at multiple Bar and Bat Mitzvahs as well as sliding right across the dance floor at a cousin’s wedding.  That WASN’T EMBARRASSING.  Not at all.  Last fall, I think I ended up on YouTube when I slow motioned fell right in front of the donut station at my friend’s son’s Bar-Mitzvah party.  Even I thought that was funny. The year before, my BFF hip checked me at another party and I hit the floor so bad I bruised my ass.  (Which was already damaged from the time I slipped on the wet floor in my own hallway and broke my ass)

My son has inherited my klutz gene.  Except, his target is electronics.  He has dropped his phone in the sink, the toilet, and if you can believe, a sewer.  He also has dropped his iPod touch in the toilet, and has crushed it while playing football.  My daughter doesn’t break anything.  Little J just breaks limbs.

So, why am I telling you all this?  Because, today is a sad day.  I went to pee and my Torchie fell out of my backpocket, right into the toilet.  Bye Bye Blackberry.  The red dot of death appeared and that baby went dark forever.  So now, I’m switching to an iPhone.  How many ways can you break an iPhone?